Few things ruin the mood quite like the thought of being caught. There are so many reasons self-pleasure might be a moment you want to keep completely private: you planned on being alone, you’re generally a private person about your sexuality, or feel that it’s simply no one else’s business. These are quite understandable reasons to look into quiet sex toys.
For some people, though, the desire for privacy runs a little deeper than logistics. There can be a lot of unwarranted shame around masturbation, and that’s worth unpacking. Religious and cultural influences may contribute; the messaging many of us absorbed growing up, whether from family, school, or media, framed self-pleasure as something secretive, dirty, or wrong. The reality, backed by a robust body of research, tells a very different story. Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of sexual development and its benefits go well beyond the obvious, including improved mood, reduced stress, improved sleep, a strengthened pelvic floor, and beyond.
When shame creeps in, it risks interrupting those benefits. Feelings of guilt or shame driven by cultural, spiritual, or personal beliefs can transform a potentially calming behavior into a source of anxiety. Anxiety surrounding masturbation can create a frustrating cycle: stress reduces pleasure and increases anxiety, often making you even more stressed. So if you find yourself seeking out a quieter toy partly because you are still in the process of unlearning some of said shame, that is not just valid, it is actually a reasonable harm-reduction strategy. Anything that lowers anxiety around self-pleasure is working in your favor.
Just like there are many reasons you might want privacy, there are also so many reasons you might be sharing a space: you’re living with family or roommates, maybe because of where you are in life, your culture, or finances. Maybe you do live solo but in an apartment with thin walls, maybe you want to travel without concerns about a noise complaint from the next hotel room over.
As an employee at a sex toy retailer, and a sex educator myself, it feels anecdotally like I get more questions about quiet options for sex toys than I used to. My read is that sex toy use has become more mainstream, and more people are navigating these shared-space realities. The good news is that you can have all the pleasure, while avoiding the awkward hallway run-ins afterwards. Here’s how:
Deduce What Kind of Toy You Prefer
This is the same advice I would give someone shopping for a sex toy under any circumstances, do your research, both online and through a better understanding of your own body. There are two big questions that should guide you. Where do you want stimulation? And how do you want that stimulation to feel?
There are some common toy categories that it’s good to familiarize yourself with, what body part they stimulate and what sensation they provide. Wand vibrators, for example, are clitoral toys known for producing a deep, rumbly feeling. Bullet vibrators are also clitoral, but tend to offer something more surface-level and buzzy. Rabbits are designed to stimulate both the clitoris and G-spot at once. Other categories worth knowing include dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, strokers or sleeves, and air pulsation toys.
Shop by Quiet Toys
One of the benefits of shopping for sex toys online, beyond discreet packaging and the convenience of shopping from bed, is that retailers love to get creative with their product categories. It’s probable any online store you’re looking on has a dedicated section for “quiet toys,” and if yours doesn’t, that’s a good sign to look elsewhere. This is your best starting point when searching for a quiet toy online.
Here’s some insider insight: toy manufacturers typically flag their quieter products to retailers, especially when silence was a deliberate design choice. Some will even share decibel levels. The better retailers will take that a step further and verify the noise claims themselves before passing the information along to shoppers.
Evaluating the Quiet Level
Now that you’ve started your search, maybe have a product in mind, it might be worth doing some due diligence before hitting purchase. The straightforward way of vetting how quiet a toy is is by reading the reviews displayed under whichever toy you’re considering. The more creative route: check social media. Sex toy content is frequently censored on these platforms, so you may have to dig a bit, but browsing the profiles of manufacturers and retailers can turn up short-form videos of toys in action. Here’s an example of a social media video of a quiet toy that I tracked down while writing this article.
Don’t forget to stay in touch with Tara’s work at LoveandLust.co, and through Instagram.