Managing Anxiety
Q: I recently started dating again after the end of a ten-year relationship. It began in college with very little effort on my part, and now that I’m dating again and the proverbial ball is in my court, I am filled with anxiety about the whole process. The moment I start to like someone, I ask myself: Am I doing the wrong thing? Texting the wrong thing? What does this person think of me? I know it’s irrational. I’m not a super self-conscious person by nature. But just the whole process of flirting with someone I like gets me shaking, sweating, nauseous. It feels like there’s so much on the line, even though in some cases I barely know the person. How can I get past this?
A: Starting over after so many years with the same person can certainly bring up anxieties. That is perfectly normal. You seem to be asking yourself many “what if” questions. Try asking yourself, “so…what if?” So what if you say the wrong thing, or if the person doesn’t like you. It’s not the end of the world. Part of making dating a pleasant endeavor is in how we approach it. Check in with your expectations as they may be a bit high or unrealistic. Go in with the attitude of simply meeting interesting people without thinking about whether they will be “the one.” In actuality, there is nothing on the line. Remember, dating is not an audition for someone’s approval. Instead, it’s a process of mutual discovery. It sounds like you may be approaching it as though you are being evaluated. Instead, try checking in with yourself and how you feel when you are with them. Are you enjoying the conversation, are they someone you could actually see yourself with in the future? This way, you will feel more in control of yourself since you will be doing the choosing rather than being anxious about being (or not being) chosen. As for your physical symptoms (sweating, nausea, shaking), it’s important to understand that physiologically, anxiety and excitement generate the same sensations (racing heart, butterflies in the tummy, sweating) so they will definitely happen when you meet someone you care about. You just need to stop interpreting these feelings as “danger.” Embrace this new phase of your life and approach it with curiosity and playfulness.
Feeling Like A Late Bloomer
Q: I recently got out of a very long relationship with my high school sweetheart. We lost our virginities to each other, and had what I guess was pretty vanilla sex throughout our entire time together. Now I’m in my early to mid-30s and I feel like a complete late bloomer. Throughout my 20s and up to now I have heard about my single friends’ sexcapades. Since I have only had one partner, I feel like I will have no idea what I’m doing when I eventually go to bed with someone else. I’m trying to put myself in the mindset to date but I’m terrified of the idea of making a fool of myself with someone due to inexperience. What can I do?
A: First of all, being a good lover has nothing to do with having lots of different partners and experiences. Good sex is mostly about communication, comfort and responsiveness which you would likely develop in a long-term relationship (over casual flings). The fear of making a fool of yourself usually comes from the idea that sex is a performance where you’re being evaluated. However, the truth is that good sex with a partner is about being in tune with each other and figuring out what each likes (as opposed to specific techniques). When you are having sex with someone new, they are not evaluating you. They are more concerned about how they feel in your presence. They are evaluating whether there is chemistry, whether they feel safe, whether the communication is good, and whether it feels pleasurable. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little awkward with a new partner. It might help to develop good communication skills about sex. Ask your partner what they like and share what you like. Try to stay curious and focused on your partner and the moment rather than be self-conscious and in your head.