Encouraging A Healthy Attitude Toward Sex
Q: My husband and I are the same religion, but his upbringing was a lot more strict than mine. We were both virgins when we got married and at first, we really appreciated the freedom, living on our own, being able to be intimate, and to try new things with each other. Unfortunately, before long, he began experiencing some feelings of shame about sex. He stopped getting excited by the prospect and began treating it like more of an obligation as part of our marriage. When I ask him to do certain things with me in the moment, he’s happy, but when it’s over, I can tell he’s troubled. We’re still in the religion but we’ve agreed we won’t be as serious about it as our families were. But unfortunately, I guess some habits die hard. How can I talk to him and help him through his reticence and feelings of shame about sex?
A: Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for people who grew up in religious families to feel shame around sex, since the idea of sex as sin is widely believed. Then when you marry, you somehow must miraculously shed all the shame to enjoy a great sex life. If only…
Remember that shame tends to come from learned messages and not from your actual desires or values. Sometimes though, shame is tied to specific acts and not all intimacy. You may want to explore together his feelings around certain activities along with his boundaries. Maybe there are scripts from his upbringing about what are acceptable sexual acts, even in marriage. Try to understand his internal map so that you can help him expand it gently and safely. Self compassion is really important and you may want to talk to him about that. He can practice by reframing his beliefs and repeating positive affirmations about intimacy. Be patient, as it may be difficult to shed this ingrained shame around sexuality. It will also require compassion and understanding on your part, and lots of good communication. If he still has trouble overcoming this, consider seeking the help of a psychosexual therapist.
Introducing Extra Help
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend for a while and we’re in our 30s. I know that she has vibrators that she uses when she masturbates, but recently, during our dirty talk, she’s brought them up and described how hard she came when she used her rose toy last week, stuff like that. It was incredibly hot—but I think she wants to start using them when we have sex. I always make sure that she cums when we’re together, if not during sex, then with my hands or mouth afterward. I don’t think we need a toy when the job is already getting done. How can I explain that to her?
A: Why do you think you have to explain this to her? She is fully aware that she can come with you. I think she is sharing that with that toy, her orgasms can be more intense. A mouth or a hand is, after all, no match for a great toy. That doesn’t mean she wants to replace you with a toy, but rather, enhance the experience by including the toy in your lovemaking. Have a conversation with her about your concerns. I’m sure you will find out that she is very satisfied with you, and that this would just be an added fun thing to do now and then. There is no reason to feel threatened by a sex toy. Think instead about wanting her to have maximum pleasure, even if it takes the addition of a toy. This is not a reflection on you or your abilities as a lover. Women often need lots of clitoral stimulation to climax, and toys offer that kind of direct, strong stimulation.