Feeling Left Behind
Q: I am now 22 years old, and during Covid I locked down with my mother because she’s immuno-compromised and needs care. I opted for a long-distance/online-only college experience so that I could stay with her, and most of my friends from the small town I’m from moved away for college the year after the lockdowns. My mom recently qualified for a personal care worker, and we found a good match who is careful about her immune-compromised state, so I’ve moved out on my own and I’m looking for jobs. But I feel like I missed out on a lot at a very pivotal time of my life. I never really dated, and I’m still a virgin. Like I said, I no longer have friends nearby and therefore no social circle or opportunities to meet people. It really feels like life has passed me by. I don’t know how to socialize like a normal person my age or how I’ll ever be able to get into a relationship/lose my virginity when it seems like everyone my age is already past that part. Do you have any advice?
A: You are not alone. Lots of people felt that they lost years during the pandemic. However, you have youth on your side and many years ahead of you to forge significant relationships. It’s also not unusual to still be a virgin at the age of 22. The recent research shows that young people are actually having sex at later ages than ever before. Focus now on building friendships through activities or using apps to meet others for dating.
Kink Or Something Else?
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I was wondering if you’d ever come across a problem like the one I’m having. My girlfriend is great, but she lives with a roommate—an old friend she used to be very close to, but they don’t really share the same friend circle anymore. We used to spend more time at my place, but I moved back in with family for a few months to save cash, so we switched the routine up, and now when we hang out at home, it’s usually at her place. But there’s one weird thing. She keeps wanting to have sex in the common areas of the apartment, at times when I know her roommate/friend could be coming home from work any minute. She’s also initiated sex with the door open when the roommate is home. Then, last week, she had a party when her roommate was away, and in the middle of the party, she brought me into her roommate’s room and asked me to have sex with her on her roommate’s bed. This has to be some sort of kink? Or some weird friendship dynamic at play that I don’t totally understand? Either way, it’s making things really weird in my relationship.
A: Yes, this certainly sounds kinky. It sounds like a form of exhibitionism or taboo play to me. What you’re describing suggests a mix of boundary-pushing sexual behavior and possibly unresolved dynamics with the roommate, which, understandably, is leaving you feeling uncomfortable or confused, especially if not discussed ahead of time. Consent is an important part of any kink, and therefore you both need to be discussing this and both be on board. The roommate also needs to consent if her bed is being used or if you are having sex, so that she can hear or see you. I assume the roommate is female, but you don’t say. So maybe it is an issue with the roommate. Does she have feelings for this roommate? Is there something that is unresolved? Or it could simply be the excitement that is driving the behaviour without consideration of the implications or how it makes you feel. Clearly, your girlfriend’s behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable. You should let your partner know how you feel and be clear about your boundaries. If this is something that turns her on, then you can both talk about how to explore it safely and consensually.