Finding Out Where I Stand
Q: I’m a woman, 30 years old, who has never had an orgasm with a male sexual partner. And I’ve only had sex with men, and romantic experiences with men. I’ve always been attracted to men only, but when I watch porn, I’ll often watch lesbian porn. That’s what turns me on in that situation. It’s started to make me wonder if perhaps I should try having sex with a woman to see if things are different, even if I’ve never found myself attracted to a woman like that in real life.
A: This is a great question that researchers have looked into quite extensively. The fact that many straight women report being turned on by lesbian porn is a well documented phenomenon, that we know is not necessarily about sexual orientation. One of the reasons why straight women enjoy lesbian porn is that it focuses more on female pleasure versus the male centric, more aggressive dynamics found in straight porn. Another factor to consider is that women’s sexuality is generally more fluid than men’s which means that arousal and attraction can be less rigid. For example, a straight woman might be turned on by watching female bodies or imagining herself in such a role, without it changing her core sexual identity. Furthermore, many women report that lesbian porn feels less aggressive, less performative and more sensual and intimate, which makes it easier to enjoy. The research has shown that women’s genital arousal patterns are often less specific than men’s. This means that women get aroused by a much wider variety of sexual scenarios, including those that don’t align with their sexual orientation. The bottom line is that just because you are turned on by lesbian porn, it does not necessarily mean that you are secretly gay or bisexual.
Strange Fixation
Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I have a question that involves my current relationship. I’ve been with my partner for around six months. Before him, I was in a relationship that lasted a couple of years, and since I was in my early 20s, there were a lot of firsts that I had with him, and a lot of sexual exploration. With that said, I don’t ever talk about that relationship, nor that part of it, with my current boyfriend. I have moved on and I don’t really think it’s relevant. However, recently, my current boyfriend has brought up my ex a few times. It started with him making a joke about a restaurant I took him to and asking if my ex was the one who showed it to me. Then, recently, after we tried a new position during sex, he made a sassy comment about me “learning that from [ex’s name]”. It keeps coming up more frequently and I really don’t know what the deal is. I’ve never dated anyone with jealousy issues before—but is this more than just jealousy? Any idea what this kind of behavior stems from?
A: Ahh, the green-eyed monster! It’s important to understand where jealousy comes from and when it is out of control/toxic. Generally speaking, jealousy reflects a number of psychological factors such as low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, or trust issues leading to insecurity, possessiveness and control issues (when it gets to this point, it is quite damaging to the relationship. Unfortunately in many cultures (and the media), we see men being encouraged to view women as extensions of themselves which fuels possessiveness and entitlement. Jealousy is almost normalized in some cultures. Just keep in mind that excessive jealousy can feel like, and can turn into, emotional abuse, and even partner violence in some cases. Having said that, mild jealousy is quite normal and can even strengthen relationships if the couple is able to talk honestly and openly about these feelings (fears and insecurities). If it is more than mild and if the jealousy leads to control or mistrust, you may want to think about couple’s therapy.