Holding Them Accountable
Q: I’m not sure if this is an issue-issue or a me-issue, which is why I’m reaching out to you. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years and I really love him. Part of why I love him is because he has such good character. He is close with his family, and does lots of things for them and for his friends. He volunteers for causes he cares about in his spare time. He’s kind to people from all walks of life, in every situation, as well as animals. Watching the way he moves through the world is nothing short of inspiring.
However, last week I heard him on the phone with an old friend from high school. They were joking about bullying a classmate from back then and he even made comments about how fun it was and how he’d do it again. It was said “jokingly” but regardless, I was downright shocked. My little brother was bullied growing up, and watching him struggle with it was very scary.
In the past in our relationship, when issues have come back, we’ve both held each other accountable for our behavior and worked through things. But can I expect to hold him accountable for something that happened before I even met him? If something is that far in the past and the person doesn’t seem to make the same mistakes currently, I feel like I should be able to let it go—but it’s truly bothering me.
A: It sounds like you are worried that your boyfriend hasn’t changed since high school. However, you pointed out a bunch of very important values that you seem to share and that you have seen exhibited with your own eyes. Maybe he was joking, and maybe he was a jerk back them, especially if he is around other jerky friends (and talking with said friend brings him back to those days). It is clear, though, that you were triggered by his conversation. I think it’s important to share with him how you felt, without being critical or accusatory (use “I” statements like “I felt uncomfortable when…). Tell him about why it was triggering. It will be easier to let things go once you share your feelings and he has a chance to respond and reassure you that he isn’t that guy.
Trichomoniasis
Q: I recently tested positive for trichomoniasis, and from what I understand, it’s sexually transmitted. My wife swears she didn’t cheat, and I know that I certainly didn’t. Is there any possible explanation for how this happened? Could I have got it at the gym or something? I don’t have any answers and it’s driving me up the wall.
A: Generally speaking, Trichomoniasis is a common sexually transmitted infection. So yes, it is primarily transmitted through sexual contact. However there are a few rare, nonsexual ways that it could be spread. Because it cannot live long outside the body, its unlikely to be spread from toilet seats for example. Nevertheless, in very specific conditions, it might spread through sharing damp, moist items, or contact with contaminated surfaces (but this is extremely rare). In these cases, the environment would have to be warm and moist, and contact would need to happen very shortly after contamination. Something else to consider, is that one of you might have been carrying this parasite for a long time. It is possible that this STI was lying dormant, and only discovered because you were tested. My questions are: how did you come to get tested? And how long have you been in a monogamous relationship?